Monday, November 28, 2005

I am by no means a luddite. I enjoy new technology. Feel free to notice I am using some right now to post my little thoughts on the Internet. I have CDs and DVDs and a really cool green laser pointer. That being said some of these new fangled gizmos that have come along recently make me scratch my head.

Let’s start with that most ubiquitous of devices, the cell phone. I don’t own a cell phone. Don’t want a cell phone. I understand for certain people they are a necessity. But these people are fairly rare. Most of you really don’t need a cell phone. Trust me you don’t need one. They might be a nice extravagance. You really don’t need a cell phone, however.

First of all you almost have got to offer up your first-born young to get one. You have to have a contract that locks you into some long-term service agreement. If you call too much during the day you get ripped off. They only work in about half of the places you go. Gee, sign me up.

Also most people aren’t making life or death calls on the things. I swear if I get behind one more person having some vapid conversation I’m going to hurt them. Most people only use their precious little cell phones to pester their children and ask their spouses whether they need milk or butter. You could get by waiting until you got home to make all those calls.

Cell phones also allow rude people to be even ruder. Churches and theaters have to remind people to turn the damn things off. Some restaurants have even banned the things. I have no idea why you would even take it with you into these places. Who wants to have a particularly good meal or concert interrupted by a call from Aunt Petunia?

People that drive and talk on their cell phones deserve a special place in Hell. Our brains are not evolved enough to handle a conversation and controlling 4000 pounds on metal going 60 mph. If you get a call just wait until you can stop the car and then chat. It’s that easy. I wonder how many people are going to have to die before we get serious about outlawing this?

Camera phones are Satan’s little helpers. Can anyone have a freaking private moment? Anytime you do anything dumb in public you’re now subjected to the stress of 9 gazillion people and their God awful gizmos trying to get a picture they can E-mail all their little friends.

Next on my little hit list are video game consoles. Why does anyone own one? With all the computing power available to the average Joe even with a mediocre home computer video game consoles are just redundant.

See people who buy these contraptions are being tricked. The programmers who make these games only release them to consoles or sometimes only certain ones. So the obedient little consumers all run out and get these consoles. It’s all a marketing ploy and it’s working rather well.

It helps to remember when video game consoles first appeared almost no one even knew what a computer was for, much less had one in their home. Now that computers are as common as stoves, video game consoles should be as dead as 8 tracks. But a couple of cool exclusive games and Pavlov’s little consumers come running.

I’m not exactly Amish but not all new technology is necessarily progress.


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