Wednesday, October 19, 2005


It’s getting close! The hap hap happiest time of the year is almost here! Halloween is less than two weeks away and I’m a geekgasm just waiting to happen.

Unfortunately most of you don’t share my adoration for Halloween. So you don’t show it the love it so richly deserves. This leads to that most heinous of unreported crimes bad candy dispersal on Trick or Treat night. It’s tragic. Wide-eyed and hopeful youths racing about, collecting as much sugary goodness as possible only to have their little hopes dashed by people who don’t care. It is in the spirit of the holiday that I offer to you these little tips to make Halloween more joyful and keep a lot of angry kids from toilet papering your house.

The following items are truly evil and should never under any circumstances be distributed on Trick or Treat night, ever. This list is as follows: popcorn balls, apples, pennies, and loose candy corn and candy that cannot be identified as to its flavor or purpose. Popcorn balls don’t taste good and make better sporting goods than treats, so leave them out of my bag please. Apples are fruit and fruit stands against all that is sacred about trick or treating. No one wants health food we need sugar bombs. Pennies couldn’t buy anything when I was trick or treating 20 years ago. Their buying power has not increased. Loose candy corn is evil. Just feel free to scatter some free roaming little bits of something that taste like neither candy nor corn in my bag Mr. Wet Blanket. Why not just break up that bag of M&M’s and dump that in to? Unidentifiable candy is plain evil. Would you eat unidentifiable meat? Then don’t pass out candy that needs DNA testing to figure out what it is.

This is not say the distributors of sugary goodness are the only wet blankets on Trick or Treat night. Far from it, many a trick or treater has ruined a little bit for everyone. I now give you the guilty parties.

If you don’t wear a costume do not go begging for candy. That’s the deal. You put a little effort in by dressing up and I give you enough sugar to ruin your sleep habits for a week. It’s how it works.

If you’re old enough to drive you shouldn’t be trick or treating. Trick or treating is for kids not people to cheap to buy candy.

Speaking of being cheap, if your kid can’t walk or eat candy you have zero business dressing them up and dragging them around trick or treating. Go buy some candy and sit around the house and eat it. Trick or Treat night is for children that have independent mobility. Leave your infants at home please.

Also speaking of Trick or Treat night, you must have it at night. Stop it with this nonsense of having it in the afternoon or right before the sunsets. You need darkness for the full joy of running house-to-house hording candy. Please stop with this lie it’s for the children’s safety. When in our history did little kids lie in piles of broken bodies on Trick or Treat night? So stop the insanity and let the little munchkins go out at night.

Sorry to sound so preachy, but I hate to see a perfectly good holiday ruined.



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